The most bizarre thing happened today. A bunch of us decided to go and play basketball. All of a sudden i had the biggest adrneline rush, the bad kind. I decked a friend of mine going for the ball. Dove for the ball and almost clipped another friend's knees. I basically took my all-out style to a new level, but it was a more angry level... I dunno what fueled that anger. I deeply regret what happened. Second of all i took cheap shots today... why?
What caused me to go on that angry rage? I have no idea. I said things like i don't want to lose, and losing is bad and what not. I feel like my actions today made me lose the team. I let the emotions get the best of me. However after deep thought, i have found a few sources for my anger.
Source #1: I feel like i've underachieved out there on the basketball court. I feel like i'm letting my team down, not being able to score consistantly, not being able to shoot, not being able to play point guard, not being able to be a leader, not being able to play defense. Hence that is driving me emotionally crazy, i know for a fact that i can play better and i've been working on it.
but i still see no sign of improvement. I want to help the team but i feel like at the moment i'm rather useless to the team, more over i do more bad than good out there.
Source #2: Losing close games because of my game management. i have made some very poor decisions out there trying to win games, keep the team together, mainitaining friendships, giving everyone playing time. Balancing all that is a bit tough, but i'm learning on the job.
Source #3: I feel like i'm missing something, i dunno what. But over the course of the last week something is missing. i spend the last weekend in my room watching movies instead of hanging with the usual crew. I dunno, i guess i'm feeling homesick a bit? i do talk to friends from back home a lot, even though i feel well connected with my friends here, it dosn't seem the same like it was back home. We'll see how it goes from here on out. i have to get used to the differences between here and Westford.
Source #4: relationships mess things up, i've noticed that. it rips ppl from their friends. Friends throw their true friends away when they have girlfriend/boyfriend, the ones who were there for them when they needed support. The same friends who you hung out with daily you forget about completele. my friend the other day asked me "Wait since when do you guys play basketball at 10:30 at night?", we've been playing late every day for about a week. I told him, "way to be observant and forget about your friends." (he has a gf and has completly forgotten about us)... WHY? i'm not that mean, i don't take cheap shots usually. There's that and other things, i dunno. I feel sorta lost? confused? maybe. but i'm in the process of figuring out what i want to do. Being a grown up in an adult world is rather different and annoying but i'm learning on the job.
Source #5: People not keeping their promises. People make bets, say things that they believe they'll keep. they even put money on it, but in turn they don't keep their word. My friend put up an "ultimatum" and he didn't keep his word. he put money on bets and didn't pay up (not with me but others). Why can't people stay true to their word.
Source #6 - i have no idea. there might be more.
There we go, little insight into my world. Lets go BARH Chambered Nautilus, we're 0-3 but we'll get them this week. I will bring my intensity, but not to the point it was today. i'll attempt to tone it down a bit. for all you tigger fans out there, TTFN (ta ta for now).
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